To half and to whole

My best friend constantly refers to his partner as his other half.

“My other half likes Thai food”, “My other half wants to see this movie”, “My other half is romantic”.

Don’t get me wrong…I do like his other half. But now that they are a couple, everything seems to revolve around his other half.

“My other half is picking me up after work and we are going home to cook!”

If I were single and lacking an other half, does that somehow make me incomplete? In a world made for couples, do we need a boyfriend, partner or husband to make us into a whole person? And what happens if we never find our other half? Are we only half a person?

Some of us may spend most of our waking lives talking about, dealing with, sorting out, ending and beginning relationships. Single people both gay and straight spend good money on memberships for online dating sites, self-help books, dating coaches and anti-depressants in the search for their other half. Some even spend more to divorce or break up with their other half.

Do we need another person to make us complete? Or is this type of thinking just an unhealthy form of co-dependency?

I’d like to think that single people can be complete based on their own merit, but sometimes, this is more the theory than in practice. I throw myself into hobbies, friendship and other interests whenever I am single and at the end of the day, still come back in search for my mate and my partner.

The Best Accessory

I’ve always believed your smile is your best accessory.

This morning, I practice some smile therapy on the way to the office and was surprised by how many smiles I got back. I also got a lot of freaks asking me for donations.

I’m also disturbed by the people that didn’t. Didn’t smile, that is. I noticed how little people smile. Maybe it’s the awful muggy weather all year round – It just makes you bitter and resentful.

But..smiling is after all, a universal practice.

Although smiling to strangers can seem odd in some cultures, it is often encouraged. In Australia and Canada, there are people giving out free hugs. How come no one is giving out free smiles? Smiling is therapeutic and can create a friendlier society and forge relationships within any community.

I feel good when I am acknowledged, even with just a smile.

It really doesn’t require any effort.

Top or Bottom?

Over the weekend, my friend was telling me about a gay couple he met where both were considered dominant in the bedroom. In gay speak, this meant both guys were tops. He told me they rarely had anal sex with each other, instead opting for a third bottom guy.

Most gay men are obsessed with labels and I don’t mean just in the fashion sense; Straight, Gay and Bi are just some of our favorite sexual labels.

I have to admit I am generally at one end of the sexual role spectrum. I’ll let you guess which end that is. When I first came out I never thought I could bring myself to have anal sex. Over the years, depending on who I am dating and what their role is, I can (usually) adapt.

There is apparently a whole spectrum of sexual roles like only bottom, versatile but prefer bottom, versatile but prefer top and pure top. For some, sex without anal sex is like having a meal without any main course. Our physical and emotional traits may play a part in whether we take it or give it.

Age, height, weight and hairiness are possible indicators of masculinity. Older, hairier, taller and more solid men are considered to be more masculine than younger, smoother, shorter and lighter men. Pure tops seek out sexual partners with less masculine features, whilst bottoms generally seek out sexual partners with more masculine traits.

Of course, there are no absolutes when it comes to each individual’s sexual preferences. Some of us use these descriptors as a mere guide, while others see them as a necessary piece of information before sex or dating.

I think my versatility changes with time and relationships. I don’t think I was born to play a specific role. I find being a bottom a more emotional role, as opposed to being a top – the more alpha position.

Hand in Hand

I think that drama and gay men go hand in hand most of the time.

For example, my neighbour is a self-proclaimed “drama-free” gay man, but I think he’s too deep in his own shit to realize how false his self perception really is.

He just broke up with this guy that he wasn’t even sure if he really liked and connected with. He wasn’t really his type and didn’t have the same interests but for some odd reason he was dating this guy to see what it’d lead to. To me, this is strange because they met at some lame club and the guy is really very average. The guy is also new to this city and has repeatedly stated that he doesn’t like it here and wants to move back to New York when the year is up from his job relocation.

But who knows what will happen between now and December, right?

Well, my neighbour takes this a bit far and tells the guy that he doesn’t think they should see each other anymore and tells him to not contact him at all. A bit harsh, I thought. They’d gone to get HIV tests and all that jazz just last week. Obviously, the guy wasn’t just in it for the sex since there had been no actual sex [only blowjobs] and even as my neighbour is filling me in on the developments of this relationship, he is so dramatic about it and was almost crying.

Also, he is overtly paranoid that people know that he’s gay (I’m pretty sure they know he’s gay when he speaks). He has also been avoiding this straight couple at the gym because he’s upset they know he’s gay. When he first met them, he loved this couple and wanted to go to church with them and all!

Herein lies my topic – Can you be gay and be drama-free? I know you can’t be totally drama-free because life happens. But, can you have minimal drama in your life? I honestly think most gay men can’t live without it. For them, drama comes with the package.

Yah, I’d like to place an order for a cute guy, nice smile, not into drugs and just go on and add some drama on the side.

I love it, it’s great! Now change

It’s ironic how things you initially love and think is the greatest soon becomes stale, tired and yesterday’s news. As humans it seems we need to be entertained to a certain degree to make sure we maintain interest in something.

Case in point: My enthusiastic entrance into the world of gay clubs and bars. Although initially I was drawn to the “thumpa-thumpa” of the music and the buff men around, I (very) soon after got bored of it all and wanted something more. I became bored of going to the same places and hearing the same music and not seeing what else was on offer…

The shine wore off.

Then came along a monthly night which I loved instantly with its different crowd, great mix of music and underground club surroundings and I was promptly hooked.

But it was only a week or two ago when I realized that I was over it and needed something new to entertain myself. Or was it that I was just not feeling it that night and I was not in the mood? I can’t be too sure and will have to see what happens the next time I go.

So what do you do when the initial shiny glimmer of a new-whatever starts to wear off? Do you continue to get involved with it or do you move onto something that will entertain you?

If you do, does this reflect how you will react and respond with life? Are you willing to give it your all and go for the long haul or resign yourself to the fact that it can’t or won’t change? I’m not sure if I react the same way for such situations or whether I process them with the individual respect they need. I actually think I’m in the latter camp.

But, one thing’s for sure, I’ll try that club again and decide whether it’s any fun.

Things that make me HAPPY

Often we think of happiness as coming from falling in love with a wonderful person, having a successful career or being able to live a luxurious life [preferably all of the above at the same time].

Fact is, our accomplishments and the circumstances in our lives do not determine our happiness nearly as much as our ability to appreciate the everyday-moments that we have.

For me, happy moments include spending time with my loved one or my pet dog, listening and dancing to good music, taking a stroll after a nice dinner or watching a movie with friends each week. I look for the kind of things that are not so difficult to bring into my life more often.

Some examples of those are:

1. A good cup of coffee each morning and the moment to enjoy it whilst reading newspapers

2. Working out regularly and liking the way I look and feel

3. Knowing that my parents are healthy and happy

4. Helping others feel good

5. Cooking or baking something really tasty

6. Cool crisp Spring weather (not applicable to the City I am in now, damn it!)

7. Knowing that I am thought about fondly by people that matter

8. Keeping in touch with overseas friends via MSN Messenger

9. Watching re-runs of Sex And The City or Ugly Betty or Little Britain

10. Going to bed knowing that tomorrow will be better

If you have difficulty thinking about these things right now, then think for a moment about some of your favorite things like sports or shopping. Think also of some of the things you used to do as a child.

Bringing your favorite things into your life each day and appreciating the moments will help you find happiness.

Try it!

The real world

I was brainwashed at an early age.

My nanny told me tales that were probably written by someone high on fantasies. These stories tell you the same things – find a guy, get help from fairy godmother, get rescued by the guy from some evil wretch and live happily ever after with Prince Charming in never-never Land.

Come on..! Why do these tales always involve a Prince or a Fairy Godmother?

The biggest lie, of course are the words ‘happily ever after’. In life, we all know that there is a possibility that your boyfriend will cheat on you, that your parents could decide on separating after many years of marriage, or, that you’re going to stay lonely and never have a chance to find the love of your life.

Maybe fairy tales should come with a disclaimer ‘Will cause delusions in adulthood’.

But hey, they are not all bad though…

Personally, I do like stories about courage/overcoming obstacles and those that promote values like honesty and friendship. Teaching kids about manners, diligence and doing something meaningful with their life sounds like a better plan.

After all, there are some lessons in life/love that we do need to learn on our own.

Foursome

It has been a long time since I laughed out loud at a movie.

I generally find the canned jokes of most commercial movies to be predictable and only mildly humorous but not so when it comes to the girls of SATC. There are a couple of scenes that are just downright funny and embarrassingly truthful. I appreciate the real humor in the movie and that the characters didn’t take themselves too seriously.

I should also note that it was during the funny parts of the movie that I realized I was in a theater full of gay folks. This was a quirky, funny show on TV that brought people together, and it is to be so in the cinemas as well.

I especially identify with the deeper theme to this movie though that seemed to have escaped most of the silly reviews I have read. The fact that no relationship can grow or mature (or mean much at all) unless its foundation is built on grace.

The real meaning might have been hidden behind the extravagant clothing and shoes, but there are some great points here about how when we forgive friends and lovers, our relationships become free to grow. Friends aren’t perfect, and men sure aren’t either, but any investment in either will require a fair amount of grace to be really worth the effort.

I did not go in expecting anything from this movie. I approach each movie I see with only the expectation that I will be entertained — it did that. I wanted it true to the TV show yet to feel more like a movie — and it does!

Now that Carrie and her crew have left the bittersweet college of cosmo-hedonism, the film treats them shrewdly as cynical wised-up fortysomethings facing life on the other side of the adult divide.

Me, Myself and I

I am a complicated person. Yet I believe I am fairly simple one way or another

I have a liberated concept of what life should be. But my values are traditional and my principles are old-school

I am not perfect and I don’t try to be. I make a lot of mistakes but learn as much from them as possible

My weakness is my impatience. I am known as the impatient one. I hate waiting and that often gets me in trouble.

I always fall for the wrong guys. It’s either they are too flawed to the point that I take them for granted or too perfect that I can’t measure up to their standards

I read to escape. I write to express. I dance to release

I laugh a lot. I make people laugh. People laugh at me. I laugh at them. Together we laugh at life

I value acceptance

I’m not weird, only eccentric. I’m not crazy, only delusional